Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
True strength comes from lack of pants
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Randomize
