holy crap !! There is a MIDGET FAMILY in one of my rooms today !
How much trouble would you get into if you were to stomp down the hallway while loudly saying 'Fe Fi Fo Fum...'
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
Randomize
