you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
Randomize
