dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
Randomize
