I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
I'm just crazy horny about you
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
You're right, I'd say my real all time low was when I let that fifteen-year-old feel my boob.
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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