isnt it creepy that our bodies make people
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
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