i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
Randomize
