dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
Boise Idaho, where you have a one night stand with someone from your town 3 states away and run into them the day you return...
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
Randomize
