Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
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