So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
at least he lost his v-card with a bang... or should i say the clap.
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
Randomize
