Ummmm I went to see who was upstairs, he was the only one in his room so we had sex while the travel channel played in the background.
Oh good. Romantic. Still, I'm jealous of the sex.
Probably not, since he made me promise not to tell anyone it only lasted ten seconds.
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
This place doesnt have redbull or serve shots. Its like they are at war with fun.
Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
Just doin' what I do best: sitting in a stall in the class building's bathroom, pondering life and exploring deep, dark corners of the internet before class.
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Randomize
