If I were a hot girl. I'd whore around, I'd be awesome.
The ratio was 19 to 1 and the 1 was lauren so it didn't even count.
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
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