Hey kate, how is it?
sloppy...it's emily. kate just tried to do a keg stand. they dropped her. we're leaving.
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
I'm too high and old for this...
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
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