I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
Randomize
