Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
And he tried to make it as casual as possible by asking where i was going on vacation while he was poundin me.
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
Randomize
