there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
Randomize
