my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
We tried to line dance with everyone but it turned into drunken stumbling and attempting to grind on random frat boys. I feel that this might turn into an every Thursday thing.
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
Howd it go?
Well we had the "no we're not fucking on the porch" conversation but then we totally fucked on the porch. So I'd say alright.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
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