The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
i just sent this text using only my big toe
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
It's like the sisterhood of the traveling vaginas over here
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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