all i know is that they all tuched my pee cup last night.
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
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