Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
Randomize
