you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
