im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
I would rather contract a disease that would eat me from the inside out and make me suffer painfully while it slowly killed me than to put myself through the 20 minutes of agony that is having sex with you ever ever again.
I think you're talking dirty but I'm not sure???
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Randomize
