We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
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