So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
Randomize
