Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
I'll be honest. I knew what I was getting into. I'm not proud, but I'll be damned if I'm ashamed. 6 month draught is over. That's justice.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
Dude respond to my evite. You're either coming to the orgy or not.
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
Randomize
