I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
honey bunches of taint.
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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