You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
I'm not the kind of girl that sleeps with someone else's boyfriend. But I'm getting waxed just in case I change my mind...
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
just played fuck the dealer and thunderstruck with my physics ta. he is the third ta that i have drank with this semester, i think i'm getting good at college
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
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