You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
Randomize
