my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
we fucked while standing on a ladder. challenging, but worth it.
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
Its summer. Time to get to the freshmen before the weight does.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
There is an alarming amount of urine in here.
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
It's a mix of hot dirty sex and week old bong water
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
Randomize
