the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
I do. There's a bald headed guy whose kinda hot. I might rub his head. I've only had 2 beers
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
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