Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
