She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
You live 7 mins away and I'm leaving in 10 mins. At this point sex before work is impossible.
Challenge accepted. Be naked in 6 mins.
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
Randomize
