i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Randomize
