Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
We just all danced like dinosaurs in the center of the dance floor.
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
My new dealer is 16. I have been getting high longer than he has been alive.
I don't see the problem
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
Randomize
