wanna go halves on a baby?
from all the glitter we used it actually looked like a disco stick
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
No. Every time we go there, you end up getting high, then lost, then going home with strangers.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Randomize
