Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
I'm gonna play a drinking game called "Sarah takes the train"
they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
FUCK YOU CALIFORNIA. YOU DO NOTHING RIGHT. FIRST PROP 8 AND NOW THIS.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
