i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
Randomize
