the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
I'm not sure if what i'm hearing downstairs is sex or not, but if it is, it sounds like there's a dog involved...i'm mildly concerned.
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
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