Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
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