I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
How many times do you have to sleep with a guy before you get him to kiss you???
that was the first time i tried it. why is it all sticky? its like somebody threw a glue bottle at my face.
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
do to the flooding of the park, there will be a midnight bikini mud wrestling party behind my dorm. all are welcome.
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
Randomize
