I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
I wish there were college classes that were useful to your daily life, like how to pack a proper bowl in pitch black darkness.
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
This election needs to be over, im tired of girls asking who im going to vote for mid hookup
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
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