when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
Yes, I am watching The Hills Have Thighs. And yes it is a porno remake of The Hills Have Eyes. And, again, yes, lesbian sex in the desert. Get the sand out.
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
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