I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
did you know they have Ed Hardy school supplies at Target? it's like folders and notebooks for little douchebags in training.
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
Randomize
