i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
Randomize
