if you like me you must not know who I am
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
You don't seem to appreciate the rareness of his junk.
Send me a picture. I'm more of a visual learner.
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
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