Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
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