he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
Go have a frustration cry and get over it
What doesn't this kid understand that our relationship is not going past the blacked out blowjob I gave him on his birthday?
Randomize
