We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
Just found out Brianna Frost the Pornstar goes to my school. Makes that $35,000 tuition that more valuable.
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
Randomize
