clay aiken is like melissa ehteridge without the guitar.
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
She has no definite jawline and all of her photo's have Ke$ha quotes as captions followed by a "<3" Even by your standards that is embarrassing.
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
