Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
i feel as if its time to shave my pubes but i should wait until before the party. nobody likes a sloppy drunk girl with a stubble-crotch.
story of my life.
you told grandpa to call you daddy
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
Randomize
