I was thinking about texting her and telling her I had syphilis when I was with her and that she should get tested. just for shits and giggles. skank dahaha
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
first thing my tuition money buys is a strap on
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
Randomize
