Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
after all you did bang a few mechanics. you must have got some second hand skills by now for building us a go kart.
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
Lol, maybe a little bit. I don't know. I don't keep a super keen memory log of dicks honestly.
Randomize
